


Dreamless In Early Graves

by starrywrite



Category: Video Blogging & YouTube RPF
Genre: Angst, Depression, Drabble, Drinking, Existentialism, M/M, Self-Harm, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-31
Updated: 2014-07-31
Packaged: 2018-02-11 06:25:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2057310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrywrite/pseuds/starrywrite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I know that you’re in pain, but if we die at the same time does it still scare you?” - Pierce the Veil, ‘A Match Into Water’.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dreamless In Early Graves

**Author's Note:**

> self-indulgent hella hella angsty word vomit that i spit out bc i’ve basically had the Week From Hell this past week and this was my way of coping!! shoutout 2 pierce the veil for fulfilling my angsty needs ily.  
> enjoy??? yeah??? thanks if u do :*

_Make me a promise here tonight, love like a tidal wave_  
 _Dreamless in early graves, I never want it to be this way_  
 _The chemicals will bring you home again_  
 _This is it, when it's done, we can say that,_  
 _When it's sudden death we fight back_

Dan lies next to Phil, the older boy taking his arm to his mouth and he brings his lips to the spiderweb pattern of scars going up and down his arm, some old, some new. Dan stirs in his sleep, but he doesn’t wake and Phil wonders if he wants to wake up at all. He probably doesn’t. Dan says that sometimes; when he takes Phil’s vodka and drinks until he pukes, when he can’t sleep at night and cries until he’s incoherent, sometimes when they’re just lying together with fingers intertwined and Dan’s head on Phil’s shoulder. But Phil doesn’t blame him; most of the time, he doesn’t want to wake up either. 

He grabs a bottle of vodka from the floor of his room and he puts his mouth over the top as he swallows, wincing as it burns down his throat, and he coughs at the aftertaste - disgusting. But he doesn’t give a fuck about the taste or about the irreversible damage he’s doing to his body - truth be told, his liver is the least of his worries right now because in the grand scheme of things who gives a fuck about his damaged liver? Actually, in the grand scheme of things, who gives a fuck about anything? Who cares about him or his worries and problems? Who would care if he were to die tonight? 

He looks down at the sleeping boy next to him and he thinks, Dan would care. Dan may not care about much, and he most certainly does not care about himself, but he cares about Phil. Phil doesn’t understand it, not one bit. But he’s learned a long time ago not to question it anymore, because when he thinks about it, it kind of makes sense. You see, Phil doesn’t care about much either, but he cares about Dan. He cares about Dan _so_ much. 

Dan doesn’t care about himself; Dan hates himself. Phil’s never met anyone who loathed their own existence more than Dan loathed his. And Phil doesn’t quite understand why - he thinks Dan is amazing, and beautiful, and enticing. 

Dan doesn’t see it, he doesn’t see it at all. He tells Phil that he can’t keep doing it - whatever “it” is - and he hurts, he hurts so badly. And Dan takes a razor to his skin because he hates himself so much and he wants to hurt, he thinks he deserves this. He doesn’t, and Phil doesn’t fucking _understand_... But at the same time, Phil does understand, because he hates himself too and he likes to say he’s nothing like Dan but he is because he drinks until he blacks out even though he hates the flavor and he fucking hates the aftertaste. 

They’re both such fucking messes. 

They’re both going to die, Phil thinks, and it’s not meant to be such a cryptic thought because it’s the circle of life and inevitably everyone does die. Phil just doesn’t know if Dan’s going to die of old age and natural causes or by the razor in his hands. And Phil doesn’t know if he’s going to die by drowning himself with alcohol or of something like Alzheimer's Disease. Phil looks down at Dan sleeping next to him and he thinks, that he doesn’t ever want to lose his best friend. He kisses Dan’s forehead and the younger boy stirs once more, but he rolls over and presses himself against Phil. And Phil holds him tight in his arms and he thinks, yeah they’re both fucked up, so incredibly fucked up, but maybe they’ll be okay. 

_Make me a promise here tonight. Let's go!_  
 _Dreamless in early graves, I never want it to be this way_  
 _The chemicals will bring you home again_  
 _This is it, when it's done, we can say that,_  
 _Oh my God we're not gonna make it_


End file.
